But, in all reality that experience was incredibly emotional, and it was a very important weekend for me as a fellow triathlete. While I wasn't there competing, I still experienced this unbelievable energy that I don't even think I can describe in words, but it was absolutely life changing. I have always known that someday I wanted to attempt to complete an IRONMAN, but after this weekend, I was convinced that now was the time for me to take this next step forward. It's hard to not get swept up in the atmosphere in Madison. From the very beginning of the day, to the dark and dimly lit hours of the evening, there are thousands of fans lining the streets cheering on the athletes. I have never been to any race like it, and I believe that Madison is such a special race just for that reason. We all know that fan support at a race gives you this superhuman like boost on even your most painful day, or when you don't think you can go on it helps propel you forward. I couldn't help but tear up when I saw people cross that infamous finish line, and I felt so moved every time Mike O'Reily announced their name. Especially when I watched my friend, Drew Sciacca, cross the line and become a first time IRONMAN. I was thankful for sunglasses at that moment, as I don't think I had a chance in hell of hiding my tears as I watched his family and our friends cheer him on to the finish. He had just spent a little over 11 hours pushing himself to a limit most will never dream of. He was a frickin rockstar.
As the day wore on, I began to wonder if this was something I could do. I was staying in Madison that night, and I had the option to register the next morning for the 2017 race. As a volunteer I had first pick into the registering/hotel sign up. I had a few short hours to decide if I had it in me. I mean, I had done a Half Ironman distance, nothing is impossible right?! I am even doing my first full marathon this October, so why not just add a really long bike ride and swim before it right? And so, I made my choice. I was going to sign up.
IRONMAN is such an intense race. And I believe that everyone who chooses to do it, has a reason. This is not a race that anyone just half asses or does on a whim. I had a conversation with a man that weekend who was signing up because he had lost 200 pounds, and his doctors told him he wouldn't live past 50. As he told his story, he was shaky and bleary eyed. I couldn't help but be so fucking inspired by this guy. I also watched people that weekend that were the opposite of what you expect an Ironman to look like, cross the finish line. They were the true inspirations. Even talking about Ironman, and watching the finish line videos of races across the world makes me cry. Every. Damn. Time.
My reasons for doing it may not be dramatic, or even inspiring, but that's ok with me. I think a lot of why I love doing triathlons comes from who I was all the way back from my childhood, and the fact that I always have been a loner. I am at my best when I am competing, and who's better competition than my own mind and body? But of course there is more to it than that. Most people that know me now, do not know the struggle I had in my late teens and early 20's. Which I don't typically divulge to most, but I think it speaks volumes as to why I am the person I am today.
High school was hard for me, as I never felt like I fit in, or had a clear voice. I did sports in the first two years, but then I took a turn in a different direction in the last two years of school. I came into a persona of being the party girl. I drank. I smoked. I did drugs. I dressed like I didn't give a shit what anyone thought. Looking back now I get that all of these things were rooted in my insecurities, but for a 17 year old girl who never felt popular, these things changed my life. Being the girl who had a good time meant that everyone wanted to have a good time with me. And I rode that high all the way into my twenties. I had a career as a bartender, and I found that in that industry I could make the party last forever. Between drinking before/at/after work, I never had to spend a moment sober to actually feel things and process the realities of life. But this was not a sustainable way of life. I began to reevaluate what I wanted out of life, and what I was capable of. I had become much more confident, and I knew that I wanted to leave a lasting mark in this world. I wanted to have an exciting and real life, and I wanted that life to begin. I was sick of every story beginning with, "Remember that one time we were so wasted...", or having every story involve Jameson or Rumplemintz. Sure I had a great time, and I don't regret any of the things I have done. But there had to be more to life.
As I approached my 30's I knew I had to do something different. So I started by quitting smoking. My husband wasn't a huge fan anyways, plus it was getting to be so expensive. And with that I trained to run my first half marathon. The endorphin high from that race was enough to propel me far enough away from the toxic life I was living, into a whole different world. I started to trade my late nights out for early morning runs around the lake. I skipped happy hours to go to the gym. I unwound after work with a yoga class, instead of a shot and a beer. I started to rebuild friendships and relationships that had fallen by the wayside in my partying haze. My life was going in a completely different direction. And it felt good. And to this day, it still feels good.
I know that everything in my life has made me who I am today. I would never take back the things I have done, but I can only hope that the things I do in the future will be even more epic. I am going to leave a legacy that I can be proud of. I love my family, I love my friends, and most importantly, I finally love myself.
I love myself enough to know I have it in me to become an IRONMAN.
